profile.
xing.
current location: singapore.

talk.


affiliates.
Friend

archives.
Jan 27, 2009
Jan 30, 2009
Jan 31, 2009
Feb 5, 2009
Feb 9, 2009
Feb 19, 2009
Feb 20, 2009
Feb 21, 2009
Feb 25, 2009
Feb 26, 2009
Feb 27, 2009
Feb 28, 2009
Mar 2, 2009
Mar 8, 2009
Mar 9, 2009
Mar 10, 2009
Mar 16, 2009
Mar 17, 2009
Mar 19, 2009
Mar 26, 2009
Mar 29, 2009
Mar 30, 2009
Mar 31, 2009
Apr 3, 2009
Apr 18, 2009
Apr 20, 2009
Apr 21, 2009
Apr 22, 2009
Apr 23, 2009
Apr 24, 2009
Apr 25, 2009
Apr 26, 2009
Apr 28, 2009
May 1, 2009
May 2, 2009
May 4, 2009
May 7, 2009
May 8, 2009
May 12, 2009
May 13, 2009
May 19, 2009
May 20, 2009
May 21, 2009
May 22, 2009
May 23, 2009
May 24, 2009
May 27, 2009
May 29, 2009
May 30, 2009
Jun 1, 2009
Jun 2, 2009
Jun 3, 2009
Jun 5, 2009
Oct 26, 2009
Oct 27, 2009
Dec 2, 2009
Dec 9, 2009
Dec 10, 2009
Dec 11, 2009
Dec 13, 2009
Dec 15, 2009
Dec 17, 2009
Dec 18, 2009
Dec 21, 2009
Dec 23, 2009
Dec 24, 2009
Dec 27, 2009
Dec 29, 2009
Apr 17, 2010
Apr 22, 2010
Jun 6, 2010
Sep 26, 2010
Sep 29, 2010
Oct 4, 2010
Oct 5, 2010
Oct 17, 2010
Oct 24, 2010
Nov 16, 2010
Oct 24, 2011

layout.
designer: x
resources: x x

and so, before the emo demon, also known as yours truly, takes over again, let's pour all this emo shit out. instead of posting them on fb and twitter and every single goddamed social media possible by my minuscle participation in them.

i tell the story of a girl who tried to hold on to what was never hers and what will never be hers. because he persuaded her to it. it may sound totally fatalistic, but given the self-pitying person i am now, i would not go further down the 'it was my fault' path than this. he tried all means possible to make her change her mind. he loves her. he can give her a lifetime guarantee that all those other men then in her life couldn't, etc. god remembers what else did he say. and so, after agonizing over it for weeks, and given all the phone calls and texts that he sent, she threw caution and rationality and logic and her mind and her heart and everything to the winds and dogs, and plunged straight into the black hole. and as you would've already expected, she never got the happiness she wanted and or thought would have for a moment. even though she knew this man would never be the end point for her and articulated it to him. after all the discussions, which were few and far between due to his exceedingly busy and occupied and fucked up life, all she got were tears and less and less certainty that it was all real and he meant what he said really. and then he told her to save the both of them from frustration and upset and everything, just go back to your life as if you've never met me and when i'm free i promise you i'll call you out and all of us can be happy together. she didn't want to cause this would seem too much like a scam and she's already given him every single thing he wanted. she's not about to budge on this. but after a few text messages he stopped replying and she got so tired she didn't want to bother to. what's the point. and when she met him again, everything was as if nothing happened. this was what he wanted and she can give it to him and always deliver. but the hurt and pain went further. she never believed him when he told her he loves her. but did she really?

he once asked her if she loved him, and she couldn't answer him. she merely told him she definitely likes him but she doesn't know if this is love. is this really love afterall? and the famous answer is, no idea.

it hurts. so bad. like never before. it has never hurt so much. nothing has ever wrecked her the way this did, especially when it's only been 2 months.

this is the story of how a girl broke her heart, not knowing how and why, and is struggling to recover from it. she thought she could be happy for a while. but it hurts so much things have never been ok for the past 2 months and she hasn't stopped crying for the past 1 week. and to think 1 week ago, everything looked okay and so rosy.

there are a million questions to be asked, a million things to be sorted out because nothing was ever sorted out or talked about.
how was it love?
what happened to the love and time that could be given?
what happened to the guarantee?
was it even real?
did he really mean it to begin with?
how can he have tried so hard to get something only to throw it away like that?

but does it matter?
do the answers matter?
he was never hers to begin with and she knew he never will be.

she came a full circle. with all the hurt and pain.


and so, dear heart, why him?

the problem with the broken heart is it's still alive.

the least you can do is to leave me alone. you're leaving me alone. but you're not leaving me alone.

all i want is to go back to before. before you.

it hurts so much i can't breathe. i can't think. and the problem is i've been feeling too much.

i cannot close my eyes at night nor open them in the morning without you on my mind.

everywhere i go every single thing i do no matter what i do how busy i am you're still on my mind.

did i make it that easy to walk right in and out of my life.

when i made the choice you wanted me to, you walked away telling me you'll be back, and eventually dropped me a text telling me to move on.

no matter how much i laugh, it just doesn't seem to be enough.

all i ever wanted is a simple way to get over you.

people keep on saying that you should follow your heart. but when your heart is broken into so many pieces, tell me, which piece do you follow?

sometimes, you just have to wonder, how many times someone you care about has to hurt you before you finally don't care.

no matter how much you tell yourself you're over someone, your heart knows the truth.

every single thing i see/hear/touch reminds me of you.

when everyone was telling me to run away, i walked straight into the fire.

i won't say i love you, i won't say i miss you. but sometimes, it's the things you don't say that rings the loudest and hurts the most.

i can pretend to live my life as if we've never happened. but i'll always be pretending.

there are so many statements and sentences i can come up with to express the hurt, the wreckedness, the pain. but what is the point?

i can blame you for painting such pictures for me, for doing such things for me, for making feel that everything will be ok and it was all real but everything has come to naught. and so? i think that's the truth you have to admit with me. but we aren't in the picture you painted now and so what am i going to do about it?

and so, dear heart, why him?


even though you still occupy every single thought of mine every single second, i woke up from a nap that was really just dreams to realize 4hours had passed.
and then reality struck. it wasn't a sleep. it was an attempt to escape reality. and sometimes that is all we can count on.
and the second thought struck. life goes on. even if you haven't moved on. even if you're lying on the ground shouting and screaming in pain, and unable to move on.
life goes on. even though that is probably the problem.

i wanted people to airlift me to the hospital. so that i can stop the pain. i wanted to be ok. but truth be told nobody can stop the pain except him and myself. and he's not gonna stop the pain so i have to. no matter how much it hurts i am walking away. no matter how much it seems like i can't move i am walking away. no matter how many gallons of tears fall i am walking away. because there's no other way about it. because i've let myself sink into the clamour for this for too long. simply because it hurts so much that i have to bear with more hurt and pain and get out of this.

i came home bawling my eyes out nonstop for 3hrs 2 days ago. even through all these tears the hurt doesn't stop. even with all these tears they don't prevent more from coming. it's amazing how much people can cry. it's amazing the amount of tears that can fall from our eyes. it's amazing to the extent sometimes i suspect my eyes are really waterfalls.

i haven't been able to let go.
i still haven't let go.
the hurt hasn't gone away.
the tears haven't stopped.
and i know i deserve better.
and no matter how much i need people to tell me everything is going to be okay, everything is going to be fine, i know deep down inside me as well as the whole world that i really am going to be fine.
because i am me.
but i am sorry, i cannot go back to my life because this is my life and you're in it.
i cannot pretend i've never met you because you'll always have that spot in my heart.
and perhaps through it all i will never stop loving you.
all i really really need and want is to go back to before. before you. but both you and i know that it isn't possible. as much as we can pretend to be so in front of everybody else.
at the end of everything, all i ever did was to give you everything you wanted from me. i wanted you to be happy. and i still want you to be happy.
i hope you are.
even though it kills me inside that you're happy like that.
it does.


p.s. i will let go and love again. it's just a matter of when.