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xing.
current location: singapore.
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Monday, October 24, 2011
what do we really want? that's the question we never fail to ask both ourselves and the people around us. but the catch here is, every single time we answer 'i don't know', do we really not know? or do we actually not want to know? it seems to me that more often than not, the answer's the latter. because we're afraid of knowing. because we're afraid of coming to terms with ourselves, of finding out or admitting that we're not the person we want or thought ourselves to be. because we're judging ourselves by how we think society would judge us. because we have this inbuilt perception of what is right, what is wrong, what is good, what is bad, what should be, and what shouldn't be. we're always carrying this measuring tape and this weighing scale throughout our lives and we would like these tools to guide how we live our lives and to always measure up to be good. we would like to live in an absolute world. we would like to be absolute. but we forget that we are not. we are relative creatures. the measurements only mean something when compared to another, when we bestow a meaning to that number. we want to believe black is black, white is white, light is light, darkness is darkness. but just like how coldness is merely the absence of heat, darkness is merely the absence of light, these things only gain a meaning when relativity sets in. so we benchmark ourselves against society's prescribed and unspoken rules and standards. the question is, why are society's rules and standards necessarily "right" and "ideal"? obviously, the notion of right and wrong, good and bad are what keeps peace and security from prevailing in a society. but that doesn't make them the golden rules.
so, what if you end up doing things you never imagined you would do?
so, what if you find yourself compromising the values you held so dear to?
so, what if you discover you aren't the person you believed yourself to be?
so, what if you realize you don't want to be bounded by those rules?
maybe we really can fool ourselves to believe we do not know what we want.
because we fear what we want.
because we fear who we really are.
because we fear that we are really the monsters that hide inside of us.
because we fear that we are the monsters that keep us up late at night.
because we fear that there is nothing but greyness and dimness in this world.
because we fear that life isn't a simple arithmetic problem of 1 + 1 = 2.
because we fear that our values are just make-pretend.
so, many of us live life hiding from ourselves. and that leaves me wondering, how do we manage that.
we see only what we want to see.
we see only what we are prepared to see.
we know only what we want to know.
we are only who we allow ourselves to be.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
gradually, the pain eased. the numbness left me. and my heart opened itself again. the page turns and a new chapter beings. a chapter without you. a chapter without the pain you bring.
it's reading week and i'm trying hard to study but i really am not cut out for econometrics. darn. decided to go to bintan with the club because i really need to get out of singapore and i really need some space and time to think. or rather, to not think. to talk stock of everything that's happened in my life through these almost 4 years in nus. i was certain that university will bring to me much more than i can ever imagine. but i didn't know it would be all these and this much. my social circle has evolved and changed so much and so fast that i'm really wondering if all these friendships really would stay. no matter how strong and concrete they seem now. i mean..a certain friendship was really solid 3 years ago, 2 years ago. but look what happened. and look how i've drifted from alison.
can't wait for the 24th..when sophy would arrive..and the 25th..when econometrics can just boot itself out from my life forever and ever.
take heart.
that behind all the defences and snaps and sarcasm and standards you had the heart to love someone who was far from perfect.
have faith.
that you will find that heart again.
with a man with the right kind of situation.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
when
and then i wonder. when am i going to stop loving you.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
i wanted a perfect ending. now i've learnt, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next.
sometimes you have to be strong for yourself. you need to know that you're a good person and a good friend. what's meant to be will end up good and what's not - won't. love is worth fighting for, but sometimes you can't be the only one fighting. at times, people need to fight for you. if they don't, you just have to move on and realize what you gave them was more than what they were willing to give you. hopefully, people realize great things when they come around and not lose something real. always fight, until you can't anymore, and then be fought for.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
there's a new problem.
i have stopped crying.
i have stopped being paralyzed.
i can't seem to feel the pain anymore even though i know it's there.
but i still think about you all the time.